Most people can tell you right away whether they can handle conflict well or if they run from it.
Regardless of your answer, I want you to read the book Crucial Conversations. Here’s a link.
Crucial Conversations sets up a blueprint to follow anytime you are in, or about to be in, a conversation where the stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions are not neutral. Depending on your personality that could be 3 a week or 3 a day.
They key is to first recognize that you have transitioned from a casual conversation into a crucial conversation. From there, we each have a tendency to go silent or violent when the conversation looses its safety. For example, we clam up (silent) or bark and yell (violent). While most of us are not proud of either response, we should recognize that we are human and are pre-disposed to one type of reaction. We can improve our reaction with some intentionality.
The additional win of this book is that it provides practical steps on what to do once one side of the conversation recognizes that it is no longer safe. In other words, what do you do once you recognize someone has gone silent or violent? You read, you win. Simple.
While this book is a clear winner for creating healthy work culture, I believe it is a homerun inside a family dynamic. You can always get a new job, most of us will. It is just a lot messier to get a new family.
Here are four tips on how to have a crucial conversation. These come from David Hoyt, a peer whom I deeply respect. We brought David in to reinforce the Crucial Conversations book we were debriefing with a well-respected automotive marketing company.
1. Quickly – keep short accounts. Don’t let issues pile up on top of other issues. Address them quickly.
2. Calmly – never in anger. When you lose your temper (acting on your anger), you always lose, whether it’s respect, the love of your family, your health, or even your job.
3. Privately – eyeball-to-eyeball is key. This is not an email, rarely is it a phone call. Get away from the masses.
4. Thoughtfully – limit the embarrassment. This one just makes sense. You want to be an advocate for the person you having this conversation with. Don’t burn bridges.
How you handle conflict is a great leadership-coaching topic.
I have helped a lot of smart leaders get a better handle on how to have a crucial conversation, and I'd love to help you. Just click the Contact Jeff button above or email me at jeff@coachingwithjeff.com.
As a leadership coach, I help individuals and teams understand how their unique personality, values, and emotional intelligence (EQ) will create the best version of themselves in both their professional and personal lives.